Over the last year, Jonathan Mulvey, 27, has learned to manage his mental health after experiencing a number of sudden bereavements in close succession.
Although he now feels optimistic and positive about his life thanks to the support he received from his friends and family, he wants to share his story.
Read on to find out about Jonathan’s journey, written in his own words, detailing how he decided to learn about the importance of mental health and how he found the strength to talk.
Jonathan's story
I noticed something different around the end of August/September time 2016. I wasn’t feeling myself, I was becoming self-conscious and anxious around others (even family) and my moods became darker but I thought nothing about this and just tried to plod on and ignore it.
As the weeks went by, I felt worse and worse until one day I said to myself ‘I need to do something about it’ so I went to visit my GP and this was when I was diagnosed with depression/anxiety of which only me and my GP knew about at the time.
I was prescribed medication but this didn’t work for me and the moods and feelings carried on getting worse, up to the point where I had to let my manager at work know because I had to tell someone. Two weeks after doing so I had a total breakdown whilst in work and had to leave.
Once I got back to my car I just sat there and cried for 15-20 minutes and at that moment I thought ‘I have to tell my family.’ Once I did it felt like a massive weight had been lifted off my shoulders and it was good to hear my mum say she's proud of me for admitting the problem and seeking help and support.
I do believe my body image has played a major part in this decline as well has having a number of bereavements in a short space of time. I lost a considerable amount of weight totalling 3st 4lbs, which led to me feeling probably the best I have ever done in my life. As time slowly went on and after starting a new job it crept back on and I am now putting all that weight back on plus an extra stone. I eat because I am unhappy and I am unhappy because I eat, which then has a knock on effect with my training days because I don’t feel confident enough to go to the gym, but I'm now slowly getting back into an exercise routine.
I didn't want to socialise which is the complete opposite of my persona. It got to such a stage that I was too scared about talking to others and even answering my phone or text messages. It was hard to explain to people how I was feeling and how I was struggling because this was all brand new to me and also very scary.
I was just so tired during the day and when it came to night time, I was unable to sleep. It was a constant battle and became like a vicious circle day after day. Also what seemed to be voices in my head making little ideas, some were pretty dark, never the thought of harming myself but just little things ‘would I be better off dead’ or ‘should I just crash my car’ so I didn’t have to go to work. I know these things sound like attention seeking things but it was how I felt. I wasn’t looking for attention at all I just wanted help.
In the past I have always had strong opinions on people who have taken their own lives and thought they were selfish. However, now that I've been in that place, I can understand how people end up wanting to take their own life. It's like you're trapped in a tunnel and the only way out is doing that but for me, luckily enough, I had support from my family and close friends to help me through it. Some people aren’t so lucky or feel scared or ashamed to tell others about it and try to keep it to themselves. I want to break the stigma of mental health issues being frowned upon.
You hear people say that those with depression ‘just need to cheer up’ or others need to tip toe around the topic, but I can honestly say I have never been so passionate about something or wanted to change something more than I do about the subject of mental health.